By Vitus Ozoke
The rumour mills have been unkind again. Some imaginative souls claim that a few Nigerian military officers were plotting to overthrow Nigeria’s Bola Ahmed Tinubu. A coup? In Nigeria? Against a government that has performed so magnificently in every sphere of national life? Please. Let’s be serious. No one with two brain cells to rub together would ever dare topple such a perfect regime. The notion is preposterous.
This administration has done nothing but deliver excellence upon excellence. It is the government that has fixed everything. Inflation has disappeared, the naira now competes with the dollar, and the average Nigerian can afford to eat three balanced meals — with a bit of caviar on weekends. Transportation runs smoothly thanks to pothole-free highways. The lights never flicker, hospitals are world-class, there are more unfilled jobs than job seekers, and the police are paragons of professionalism. So why on earth would anyone — especially our patriotic military — dream of overthrowing a government that has turned Nigeria into the envy of Africa?
Clearly, the coup rumour must be false. I mean, look at Bola Tinubu’s economic genius. He has lowered the cost of living to record lows — ask any market woman whose tomatoes now cost only a kidney, not a whole body part. He has ended the fuel subsidy and replaced it with a miracle: Nigerians now drive on hope and goodwill. The youth, once idle and lazy, are now gainfully employed — many are serving as unpaid influencers defending the government online – job creation at its finest.
Corruption? Obliterated. Not a trace remains. Every contract awarded, every project completed — all at the most reasonable rates. How? Bola Tinubu and David Umahi’s magic, of course! That ₦7 billion per kilometer of the Coastal Highway project is a bargain! Other nations must be green with envy, wondering how Nigeria manages such fiscal prudence. And our debt profile? Oh, it’s improving dramatically — in the wrong direction, of course, but numbers are numbers. Bola Tinubu’s team has mastered the fine art of borrowing for prosperity. After all, what’s a few more billions of dollars in debt when we’re building “tomorrow’s Nigeria” today — assuming we make it to tomorrow?
Security has never been better. Boko Haram has been “technically defeated” so many times that what you still see are their ghosts. Ghosts kill people and sack entire villages, don’t they? Bandits and kidnappers are almost like entrepreneurs — they run their own logistics networks that put the NNPC to shame, collect ransoms faster than our tax offices collect VAT, and even offer premium services. Insecurity? That’s a myth created by the opposition. Nigerians travel freely — as long as they can afford bodyguards, prayer warriors, and a good insurance policy.
And then there’s the issue of governance. No one can accuse the Tinubu administration of nepotism or imbalance. Every appointment strictly follows constitutional federal character principles — or at least Lagos character. The national cake is shared fairly: a slice for the loyal, crumbs for the rest. The spirit of inclusion persists. Given this record of resounding success, why would any military officer even think of staging a coup? They must be blind to progress. Or perhaps jealous — after all, the barracks must be simmering with envy watching civilians run such an efficient, corruption-free, and law-abiding government.
Aso Rock insists that the recent sacking of all service chiefs has nothing — absolutely nothing — to do with coup paranoia. It’s merely about “injecting new direction, vision, vigor, and energy,” and not due to any “panic in the palace.” Because when everything is going perfectly, the logical next step is to change the entire military leadership team. Just for fun. Don’t question the logic of why a “vigour injection” is needed midstream, when the old chiefs were clearly doing such a stellar job of combating insurgency, kidnapping, banditry, and all the rest. Do not draw parallels to past regimes that were toppled — that’s conspiratorial thinking.
Let’s embrace this boldness: never question, never doubt. If the palace says there was no coup plot, then there was no coup plot. Any suggestion otherwise is simply irresponsible rumour-mongering, meant to sow distrust. And if generals are being replaced en masse — that’s just a generational refresh! And if no one is safe from the axe — that’s just equality in action. As the Special Adviser, Bayo Onanuga, reminded us, Bola Tinubu has every right to “hire and fire.” That’s somewhere in the Constitution. And if he fires everyone at once, well, that’s just democratic enthusiasm.
But if you look hard enough, you can maybe see how Aso Rock might feel nervous when rumors of disloyal generals begin to circulate. You may notice some paranoia in the lodge. So, the perfect solution, of course, is to sack all the service chiefs and appoint new ones — just to prove that nobody can whisper “coup” and live to see breakfast. That kind of sweeping purge is entirely unrelated to any fears of insubordination. It’s like redecorating your house entirely because someone suggested repainting a wall. Completely normal. Nothing to see here. So, even if paranoia is brewing in the Tinubu camp — how could that possibly be mistaken as a reaction to coup fears? That’s clearly just a result of our overactive imaginations.
Still, one wonders why such impeccable timing — a week after a viral report alleged coup plotting and the detention of sixteen officers. But we’re told not to worry. The Defense Headquarters has assured us that the detained officers were merely being investigated for “indiscipline.” That aligns with this charming narrative — after all, the Armed Forces are so loyal to the Constitution, they’d never consider mutiny. And the cancellation of the Independence Day parade was “purely administrative.” Of course. In a country where every decision is transparent and nothing ever hides behind official language. Administrative necessity, nothing more. Completely harmless.
But let’s entertain the rumor for a moment. Suppose, just suppose, that some restless officers have been looking across the continent — at Gabon, Niger, Burkina Faso, Sudan, Mali, Guinea,
and Chad — and feeling a little… inspired. Who could blame them? Those countries, once stuck in economic chaos and corrupt leadership, are now — according to their supporters — experiencing “turnarounds” under their new military rulers. Their soldiers march with purpose, the people cheer them as liberators, and some even talk about sovereignty, self-sufficiency, and dignity. Call it the temptation of the neighbours. Dangerous ideas indeed. Compared to that, Nigeria probably looks almost too peaceful, too perfect. Our soldiers surely see no reason to follow such examples. After all, Nigerians are thrilled with their situation. We enjoy stable power, cheap food, affordable healthcare, free education, efficient governance, and endless transparency. We have absolutely nothing to complain about.
So yes, the coup rumour must be false. It must be the handiwork of mischief-makers, jealous of our paradise. There’s no reason for anyone to want to forcibly remove a government that has so selflessly delivered everything it promised—and more. Nigerians are too happy, too prosperous, and too secure for such thoughts. If anything, our only problem now is how to manage all this success. Maybe Bola Tinubu was right to reshuffle the military leadership—to give others a chance to shine in the progress. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it’s to make sure no one gets any wild ideas while watching other African soldiers play heroes on CNN.
But we shouldn’t speculate. Aso Rock has spoken. The coup rumor is false. Bola Tinubu’s decision to reshuffle the armed forces is clearly visionary, not reactive. The goal, we are told, is to sustain the winning momentum of this golden era. Nigerians can rest easy knowing that their Dear Leader sleeps soundly, unconcerned about palace whispers. Everything is under control. After all, the country is thriving. The naira is stable. Food is affordable. Hospitals are functional. Electricity is steady. And the government, of course, remains fully loyal to the Constitution — and to itself.
Honestly, we are truly blessed beyond measure. Nigeria has never had it this good. And if you believe otherwise, well, maybe you’re the one planning a coup. To be fair, I haven’t even heard of a government that manages to fight corruption, stabilize the country, create many jobs, improve public services, and implement a perfect federal character policy — all at the same time. Perhaps the rumours are true: there must have been a plot to remove this government, this almost divine exemplar of governance, simply because some misguided officers thought they could do better. How dare they?
So, in the end, we must trust. We must trust that no one would ever want to topple a government so successfully stable — unless they were irrational, illogical, or misled by malice. We must trust that any purge of top brass is surely unrelated to coup fears. Yes, rumours of a coup are clearly unfounded. Because who could possibly want to overthrow a government this good? Sadly, everybody.
Dr. Vitus Ozoke is a lawyer, human rights activist, and public commentator based in the United States.
Views expressed by contributors are strictly personal and not of Ikengaonline.
