By Uzor Maxim Uzoatu
Jeunalists have replaced journalists in Nigeria.
There used to be journalism in Nigeria but now what we do have is jeunalism, and the difference is clear, as the advert line goes.
The etymology of “jeunalists” goes way back to the Yoruba word “jeun” which means “to eat,” and fact is: the jeunalists are indeed eating today.
What needs to be done now is to have a uniform for the jeunalists to differentiate them from the older form known as journalists.
For crying out loud, as the cliche goes, jeunalists are in the urgent need for a uniform like policemen.
Whatever a Nigerian policeman can do, a jeunalist can do better.
The brave new Nigerian jeunalists have shown the capacity to actually collect more bribes than policemen – whence the need for these eating jeunalists to have the same make of uniform as their colleagues in bribe-taking, that is, the police.
It takes a hell of eating spree to ascend the ranks of becoming a jeunalist, so I have just decided to remain a poet, a poor poet.
Poor poets can never buy a uniform to wear unlike jeunalists who are so richly endowed.
I have just been authoritatively informed that the jeunalists go to assignments carrying a POS machine!
You can now understand why they need to wear a uniform for them to be identifiable in a class of their own.
This issue of “uniform-for-jeunalists” is a matter of urgent national importance, as the “jeun-jeun” senators and reps would say.
Jeunalism happens to be an affair of today’s patriots who defend the government at every turn, so the uniform should serve as a measure of uniformity with oga-at-the-top.
A common uniform for all the jeunalists can lend a measure of regulation to the trade of singing like a well-fed parrot.
The absence of a uniform somehow makes all kinds of bigots and betrayers to pose as crack jeunalists.
Any person wearing a jeunalist’s uniform as it were would thus be properly identified instead of hiding behind different coats and dresses to commit mayhem in the name of the profession.
If jeunalists are made to wear uniform like policemen they would not see any further need to be asking for “brown envelopes” when they are carrying POS weapons of mass destruction.
They would be taking the money by transfer, thereby saving the country the cost of the envelope.
The lowly-ranked jeunalists would through their low ranks not pose to collect big money as though they were editors.
The fear though is that many fellows may end up faking the uniforms, and giving themselves all kinds of ranks.
It is worthy of note that one living jeunalist who was so fond of big titles actually arrogated to himself the title of RIP (Rest in Peace) without knowing what it stood for.
It may turn scandalous when these jeunalists start addressing themselves as Supol! Mopol! DPO! Or even Inspector-General of Jeunalism!
The uniform matter will necessitate the setting up of a special body to monitor the wearing of the uniform by jeunalists.
The catch though is that members of the body charged with monitoring the uniform of jeunalists may end up posing as jeunalists themselves.
Let’s not go into the slippery motions of checking out the finer details of the tribal marks of uniform-wearing jeunalists…
It suffices to stress that with well-starched uniforms jeunalists can then stand solid guard like uniformed policemen at checkpoints in the many high class hotels of Nigeria.
The nuisance of seeing scruffily dressed fellows harassing guests in the name of jeunalists as had always been the case would stop for good.
There is the problem however that once armed with uniform the jeunalists may start fighting for the right to be armed with guns like policemen.
Now we may start having “Kill and Go” jeunalists!
The jeunalists can then actually “point and kill” as had been the special privilege of the kill-and-go policemen of Nigeria.
When armed jeunalists confront armed policemen it will then be the forte of boko bandits to save the land.
This conflict of the uniformed jeunalists and uniformed policemen is a very serious matter that can Trump’s claim of coming guns-a-blazing to Nigeria look more like a picnic.
Trump’s tag of the motherland as a “now disgraced country” can be decimated by the gunfire coming from the jeunalists in uniform.
Just as the police have the Criminal Investigation Department (CID), jeunalists who would not want to appear in uniform can join the CID section of jeunalism as daredevil investigative jeunalists.
In short, it would be a win-win story for the pen-pushers of Nigeria as some of the jeunalists would appear in the ambassadorial list with or without their starched uniforms.
Some can hide their uniforms and claim to be CID jeunalists when the occasion demands.
It is incumbent on the government to take full charge of championing this new cause: Uniform for all Nigerian Jeunalists!
What makes the police superior to jeunalists such that they are always clad in their uniform while the jeunalists can boast of none?
The only thing better than press freedom, I daresay, is the compulsory matter of sewing the uniform for all jeunalists.
To end, I do believe it’s because the jeunalists have not sewn their uniforms that they were not invited to the State House to eat like the Senators by their Mama!
A tear for Nigeria’s jeunalists!
Uzor Maxim Uzoatu, the author of God of Poetry writes from Awka, Anambra State.
